8.24.2012

i want a baby

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i want a baby.

more than anything, anything, anything. i want to be a mother. i want to give birth. i want to experience that first miraculous moment of skin-to-skin with a human that is half me and half someone i love with  deep, deep love. a human that grew inside me. one that i exerted the pinnacle of mortal physical effort to bring into the world.

i want to be spit up on and change diapers and have hundreds of baby-cry-induced sleepless nights, and then i want to fall asleep with my child, my very own, snoozing on my chest. i want to look into the glossy eyes of a newborn to whom i personally gifted dna, whose veins have me running through them. i want to hold, cozy and tender and supple in my arms, a tiny body containing the spirit of one who has anticipated arrival to me as mother from the heavens.

i want to struggle and ache and worry and hurt, and i want to be frustrated and exasperated and exhausted and harrowed – as a mother. i want a tattered body and frazzled mind and tired spirit – because i’ve spent as a mother. and i want to experience moments of golden, amber, honey love that make it all worth it.

i want to watch, feeling wonderstruck, my baby meet my parents, my brothers and sisters, my dear friends, and, eventually, his or her older siblings. i want to wade through chaos and screaming and messes. i want to get my kids ready for the first day of school, and set up lemonade stands on the corner, and fruitlessly deal with tantrums, and be kissed on the cheek by little sleepy lips and squeezed by little chubby arms at bedtime. 

i know i can’t imagine how authentically hard it is to be a mother. but i think i can imagine, in some itty bitty effulgent slivers, how wonderful it is to be a mother.

indeed, motherhood is my life dream. and i feel so excruciatingly that motherhood is my life mission. 

photo is of my nephew peter, taken by my sister saydi
more from me about craving motherhood here and here

48 comments:

Amy said...

Love this!

shawni said...

You are going to be such a wondrous mother.

Anonymous said...

You will be amazing so amazing and it is hard so so hard

jonna said...

well said! it is all that...and more!

you are going to be the awesome mother that some very lucky children can only dream of having right now! little do they know...

jennasmom said...

I did not become a mother until I was 35. It is the most amazing, hard thing I have ever done, but soo worth it.

jennasmom said...
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Megan said...

I am a thirteen year old girl and I love reading your blog.
You are making me excited for my adulthood. You seem to be such a spiritual and outgoing person even though I have never met you.
I love the fact that you always write happy posts, you always look on the bright side of life. You seem to enjoy every single thing life has to offer and I am grateful for your example.
You also introduced me to the Church. I love the way you talk with so much enthusiasm about the Savior and your mission. I am not a member yet, but I plan to becoming one when I turn 18. I'd love to hear your testimony.
Love,
Megan xo
meganmurt@yahoo.com

Rachel said...

Wow, your post brought me to tears. As I sit here holding my precious baby boy in my arms, thank you for opening my eyes and helping me see past the sleepless nights to what a miracle I've been given. Truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Beck Family said...

Motherhood is the most awesome experience!!! I wish more women had the deep desire to mother like you do. It is so hard, but so wonderful. I absolutely love being a mother too and I can tell you from personal experience that there really is something so quite amazing when you hold your own baby for the first time. Its as close to heaven as I have ever been.

Brittany said...

thanks for this charity. this reminded me how truly blessed i am to be a mother 2 times over no matter how hard some days can be. it really is wonderful and you will be a great mother. i can't wait to see your little ones someday! miss you. love you

Becca said...

hoping over from 71toes! I will be first time mother in october...your sweet post brought tears to my eyes!

Whitney said...

Also here from 71toes. Thank you so much for this.I needed it today after feeling quite discouraged as a mother. Your words are beautiful, and true.

Kasey @ Mormon Mommy Writers said...

I came over from 71 Toes as well. I have an 8, 6, and almost-3-year-old and I just gave birth to my 4th. I’m feeling stretched pretty thin right now and as I read this post my eyes filled with tears of gratitude. Thank you for reminding me why I love this awful job! I will bookmark this and return to it whenever I need to remember.

Anyone who could write something like this was most certainly destined to be a mother. Prayers with you. <3

Jen said...

I adore you. I want to adopt you as my sister, friend, daughter-in-law (okay neither my boys nor I are old enough for that option!). I read your blog for the first time a few weeks ago and could totally relate. You have wonderful perspective on life! Thank you for sharing your opinions, passions and ideas! You have very lucky nieces and nephews that will fill your time until you are called to motherhood. Sorry to be so personal, but I just feel compelled to tell you how very impressed I am by you. I hope that lucky boy for you is just around the corner!

Giulia said...

I love this post and silently pray this wish of your heart and soul will become reality for you sooner than later. Your mothers' heart brought tears to my eyes.
blessed will be your children and husband.

Love
Giulia

nye.jessica@gmail.com said...

Tears also from a mother of 3. I will cherish it more today.

Camile said...

I am crying as I read this post. You put it so beautifully! You've reminded me of how much I have to be grateful for as a wife and mother. You are obviously an inspiration to so many - thank you!

Kelly said...

Thank you so much for this. I have three littlies and am horribly morning sick pregnant with my fourth and I am struggling. Thank you for reminding me how glorious my life really is.

Heather said...

So glad I followed the link over from 71 toes. This was a beautiful and heartfelt piece of writing. Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself. It makes me more grateful for the contributors to my frazzled body and tired mind. Motherhood is indeed the greatest gift. And I have no doubt that you will be one of the best mothers ever.

Chrissy Coonradt said...

Thank you for this. If every mother remembered how miraculous motherhood is, as you have beautifully stated, the world would be a happier place.

Haunani said...

Thank you so much for this beautiful perspective. Sometimes I forget how much I once dreamed of the life I currently have, and how grateful I am to have it. Thank you for reminding me.

Eyrealm said...

Charity you are amazing! You are so right about every single word! Those lucky babies sent from heaven are going to be so lucky to have you!

Welcome to Our Story said...

Thank you so much for this, and thanks to Shawni for the link in her blog post. Some days my four little bugs drive me crazy and I feel so overwhelmed and just think I am so tired of this. But then words like yours remind me of how I once wanted this so badly and I am now living my dream. Thank you for the perspective, and best wishes! You will be an amazing mother!

beanland said...

Well said. I love being a mother and truly the highs are so much higher than I can imagine and the lows are so much lower... but they're all worth it. I never dreamed it would require so much sacrifice and give me such deep satisfaction and fulfillment in return. It is truly an amazing gift to welcome a child into this world.

Allison said...

It is so nice to hear someone else say this. I am not yet married and everyone still looks at me as being young, but what I find myself being pulled towards more than anything is mothering. When I confess this, most look at me like I am a fool or have some fantasy of motherhood. What you describe is exactly what I want--all of those messy, beautiful things. Thank you for sharing.

Dan and Katie said...

What a great post. I am at the end of THAT day. I came home after a class tonight and while putting daughter to bed and we talked about what she should name her baby that she has recently become obsessed with and that tomorrow her Grandma is coming and her cousin is having a birthday party and I am reminded...That a full day of CRAZY can be completely redeemed by a sweet 2 minute conversation.

Jessie said...

Thank you for such a wonderful post!! I found your blog via 71 toes and I absolutely love this post. Thanks again :)

Andrea said...

i live in the same area as shawni and dave...i have the same dream. in fact i had a similar post on my blog not too long ago...but you said it so much more eloquently.

someday that will be ours. :)

kms said...

I certainly hope you get to.

Some mother because of adoption. Some mother step kids.

Marcie said...

I'm here from 71 toes and I want to thank you so much for your beautiful words. I have tears in my eyes and a knot in my throat. THANK YOU. Today is total chaos. My house is messy and loud... and my four little ones are fighting and jumping on furniture.... thank you so much for helping me stop to give thanks for every bit of it.

Heather said...

Very well put. I feel the same way about motherhood, although it is sometimes hard to remember once you are in the thick of it.

Our path to parenthood was definitely not a straight shot. We mourned the dream of a bio baby and entered parenthood via adoption. Once those sweet babies were placed in my arms, there was no looking back. I was and still am in complete awe that the universe and a birth family and country could provide such a marvelous gift. While I do not share dna with my adopted kids, I am still filled with wonder as I see the amazing little people they are becoming.

After the hole in my heart was filled with 2 adopted kids, I gave birth to one more. That experience was different, but no less amazing. Every child is a miracle....and being a mother is a privilege.

I wish you all the best on your journey to motherhood.

Tiff and Chris said...

Wonderfully stated. Thank you.

Jeni said...

This was perfectly lovely...thank you oh so much for putting my own thoughts down in a more poetic way than I ever could.

Jeni said...

This was perfectly lovely...thank you for putting my own thoughts into words in a more poetic way than I ever could.

Jeni said...

This was perfectly lovely. Thank you for putting my own thoughts into more poetic words than I ever could.

Cmankoski said...

I feel a similar way. I want to know what that feeling of love so intense is. Because you know that the child is half of you. How awesome.

Maryanne said...
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Brooke said...
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Brooke said...

Your words perfectly capture my deepest desire to be a mother, too. I am not yet married, but I truly and anxiously look forward to that day when I will be a mother and wife. I know it will be full of difficult and trying, yet absolutely heavenly things, and I can not wait. Thank you so much for sharing.

Steph said...

This is so beautiful. And perfect timing for me to be reading it. I'm several weeks into sleepless newborn nights and my Harper is about to hit two years. Thanks for the reminder of all the beauty amidst the pee, spit-up, breast milk and whining. My day started out a bit frazzled but I feel ready to put on my Sunday clothes and face the day now! Wonderful piece.

Cait said...

love this! thanks for writing it :)

Jonah and Aja said...

I was wondering why Jonah was so melancholy the other night...wanting another baby and all... now i know.

wonderful post. wish you were here! my kids share 25% of your DNA, and that's why they are so awesome.

-aj'

Lizzie said...

Beautiful post Charity - you describe it well! Can't wait for you to experience it.

tessa said...

Thanks for the perspective shift today. Your children-to-be are so lucky!

Krista said...

Wow, you are such an amazing writer, your words are like art that brought me to tears. I just spent the last hour bawling on my couch with my baby on my breast after having put my dirty, sweaty older kids to bed, way after their bed time, and tomorrow is the first day of school. Yeah. Didn't even get baths. That's where I'm at right now. Right in the heart of "wits end". I was lead to your blog tonight I just know it, (thanks to your dear sister Shawni). Hopefully tomorrow I will have the energy to bath my new first grader ;) Thank you so much for reminding us mothers of the treasures we have.

bostonshumways said...

Char, LOVE THIS! Thanks for the reminder that motherhood is a noble, amazing, honey colored calling. I'm going to cherish it today (it's the first day of school and that's aways a tough one, but I'm so happy that I get to do it). Thanks for the reminder little sis.

The part that got me the most was thinking about those little darlings up there waiting to come and be your blessed baby. They're crazy excited, I'm sure. You are going to be an amazing mother one day.

Miss you and love you.

The Wyler Family said...

thank you! i loved reading this!

Anonymous said...

Dearest Charity, You wrote this on my mother's birthday, and something in that compels me to comment. You will be a mother, and you will be an amazing mother. Your children will be so lucky to have you in their lives. AND there are lots of ways to be a mother. And lots of time for it to happen. I was 34 when Henry was born, and nearly 36 when Flora was born. And we all love and miss you. xo