dripping with passion

this morning i was looking for something in the archives of my blog and remembered this day – and how the mustard flowers were out in full brilliant bloom at a nature preserve near my house this time last year. i decided to take my sunday walk to that exact spot to see those cheery, sunny blossoms. as i walked, i remembered all the times i’d strolled down that same path holding hands with a boy i loved. i walked past specific places along the path that held beautiful memories of the miracle of that relationship. i ached and ached, realizing that the picture that reminded me of the march mustard flower bloom was from a devastatingly romantic twilight, when i was dizzy with affection. i tried to walk through it all, with a determination for resilience. but when i got to the spot where last year the yellow flowers were nearly overtaking the path, bright and hopeful and bursting, i saw only colorless tall weeds along the dusty trail. no yellow flowers this march. they’re gone. i turned ...

  ............................................................................................................ ....................................................... there's a rhythm in rush these days where the lights don't move and the colors don't fade leaves you empty with nothing but dreams in a world gone shallow in a world gone lean sometimes there's things a man cannot know gears won't turn and the leaves won't grow there's no place to run and no gasoline engine won't turn and the train won't leave but there is a truth and it's on our side dawn is coming open your eyes look into the sun as a new days rise -jose gonzalez (i'm so in love with this song ) ............................................................................................................ ....................................................... tonight i can write the saddest lines. write, for example,'the night is shattered and the blue stars shiver in the...

this week, i have needed to focus a lot of attention and energy to healing . there has been, recently, a resurgence of my heart’s flowing wintry river of grief . i have felt as if i am in the middle of an extremely painful furnace of sanctification. and while i’ve felt scathed, scalded and charred,  i have also experienced the wonder of not being consumed by those flames, and can feel them purifying me. in this blaze, i am miraculously healing. part of this healing is choosing to claim peace over understanding. my heart and mind cannot understand all the complexities that have brought me to this great hurt, but: the peace of god, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds… -philippians 4:7 yes, there are so many things i don’t understand. but there are few things i feel i can believe for sure. and the peace of those things passes understanding and allows the flames to refine rather than consume. **first, i believe that god is aware of me, and that he will...

  on the morning of january 1, 2014, i read the last page of the book of mormon. over the years, i have kept a list of completion dates in the front of my scriptures, and i have now read that sacred, treasured, beautiful volume sixteen times in my life. it just feels like it gets better every time. i have had incredible experiences over the course of those sixteen reads that have very thoroughly convinced me that the book of mormon is authentic and is holy, and that testimony has allowed me to gain faith in many sublime truths. i was thinking today about the ways that the book of mormon has impacted my life, and about the lessons that i have learned from its content and narrative.  i realized that one central message in those pages is a truth i’ve often considered: hard is good . the text is full of stories of sanctification from hardship, beauty for ashes, redemption borne from suffering … and the existence of the book itself is an example of something miraculous and won...

-true love is real. and it is moroni 7:45 . -my pride manifests itself in demands, expectations and stubbornness that things should be a certain way. -love is a choice. love is giving . love is also letting go, giving in , surrendering for someone else. -heartbreak is oh so real. it has to be worked through . no amount of hope can kill the emotions that must be processed in a broken heart. -yet, hope is enabling. it is amber, honeyed belief that someday, not today and probably not for many days but someday, it will be okay. -humility is power. -change in relationship status does not negate magic that happened. that is still real. it doesn’t have be erased or made bitter. -i need someone who challenges me to be gentle and sweet and less selfish. -i must listen and respond to promptings to relax, to choose appreciation over expectations and empathy over demands, and to let go. -i am grateful that my life is rich and deep and hard. the images in my recent posts about my broken heart ar...

i was so moved by the comments left on this post , about my broken heart. not only did you, dear dear readers, forgive my melodrama, but you left amazingly insightful and tender responses that sincerely inspired and uplifted me. the thread of thoughts that was left is full of goodness and wisdom and is a striking snippet example of the beauty of human connection. it’s incredible to me how we can all relate, despite great difference in background, location, life experience – i mean, really, isn’t that just so so beautiful?! truly, your comments are a treasure trove that i will go back to again and again whenever i or someone i love is hurting. thank you for sharing. i wanted to add to those comments by contributing some things that have been shared with me by those who know me well. it feels right to have these thoughts collected in one place. i wish this didn't have to feel so painful, but then again, your depth of emotion, your passion is one of your greatest qualities. be grat...

disclaimer: i’ve hesitated to write this post. but i have felt that i need to in order to represent reality on this blog, which is a record of my life. amidst all, all, all the happy and lovely in my life, there is true sorrow that is a very important and somehow scathingly beautiful part of my mortality. in addition to providing an accurate picture of my current humanity, i also hope that this post, and some that will follow, can be a bit of healing for me, and perhaps in some way for another. may it be known that i am very aware of many blessings and beauties around me as well as the intense hardship of others, and i am neither attempting to complain or pity myself. i am just attempting to really really live, to be dripping with passion. lately, i’ve spent some nights sobbing in the shower. not crying but sobbing – weeping, blubbering, heaving while standing with buckling knees under the most scalding water my skin can bear. a couple of days ago, i went straight to an ice cream s...

  "almost three years ago, a devastating fire gutted the interior of the beloved historic tabernacle in provo, utah. its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and church members. many wondered  - why did the lord let this happen? surely he could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction. ten months later, during the october 2011 general conference, there was an audible gasp when president monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple, a house of the lord. suddenly we could see what the lord had always known. he didn't cause the fire, but he allowed the fire to strip away the interior. he saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple, a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants. the lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. we have seen our lives figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving heavenly father has allowed things to happen. but he doesn't l...

cheers for this, emily dickinson - HEART, we will forget him! You and I, to-night! You may forget the warmth he gave, I will forget the light. When you have done, pray tell me, That I my thoughts may dim; Haste! lest while you’re lagging, I may remember him! something fascinating about the human condition is this extreme emotion we cannot really describe and so hopelessly label "heartache." hooray for mortal experiences.

everyone who knows me would agree that i sometimes am a teeny tiny bit romantic and passionate. well, i've experienced some heartbreak and subsequent aftershocks in the past few weeks and i've tried to quell my tendency to be over-dramatic. i have been mildly successful. i have developed some coping mechanisms (sometimes i bring home therapeutic jargon from work...) and am still sorting out which ones are beneficial. 1. food/bumming around therapy sometimes i wonder: is life sometimes like the movies because a) movie makers are good at mimicing the emotions and experiences of life, or b) we subconsciously mimic our lives after the movies? you know in romantic comedies where, after a break-up, the protagonist drowns herself in sweets and stays locked in her room vegging? i totally did that. did i do it because it's a natural reaction or because my psyche tells me i must because (according to the movies) that's what everyone does? hmm. either way, ...