on being alone {but not lonely}

i have such a good, full, beautiful life. i am a natural optimist, i genuinely love being alive, and i consider myself to be pretty happy. but in the past couple of years i have confronted a brand of profound sorrow emanating from a true emptiness inside. mostly this feeling manifests itself through a dull, lingering ache, but sometimes it hits a nerve and causes gasp-for-air type emotional pain. yes, there’s a real void in my heart.


i’ve attempted to fill this hole with lots of different stuff – hobbies, books, being busy, food…mostly traveling and adventures (…and blogging about them). but the things i try to feed to the emptiness are really round pegs for a square hole. indeed, i’ve concluded, there is a gold-plated but currently hollow part of my soul that can only be filled up with one thing – marriage and motherhood.

this emptiness is amplified by my particular cultural position – because of past norms and deeply-rooted expectations, being older than 25 and mormon and single is hard. additionally, having lots of older siblings who have spouses and children (especially in a family with so much focus on family) adds a significant sting to the hole. yes, i know i am still very young; i know i shouldn’t be feeling such emptiness, perhaps at least just not yet. but despite that, i do feel it. i feel it profoundly.

although at times i have surrendered to the steep anxiety and sadness that it yields, lately i have come to see the wonder of my square hole. its darkness, i’ve realized, is actually a gorgeous deep indigo that has yielded such a rich mortal experience. i know that i chose to come to earth, to become human, to experience all things in opposition. with my one life, i want to live deeply and broadly, and i really believe that the success of my life can be measured in part by how much i’ve allowed myself to be stretched along the whole emotional spectrum of mortality. perhaps feeling this profound sorrow is a blessed opportunity to be brutally mortal and to become brilliantly more like god. wrestling with this raw, authentic emotion has made me feel so very human, so very alive, so very full in the emptiness. yes, somehow i am happy that i am sad. i’m so glad i'm not missing out on this depth of earnest emotion and humanity.

this mortal experience is a stunning part of what i need - to become who i am supposed to be. it is so rich and deep and devastatingly wonderful. i have learned so much as i’ve peered into the staggering but beautiful darkness of the square hole.

additionally, i know that when the square peg comes, true and deserved celebration and savoring will follow. not only will the peg finally fit the battered hole, but it will be so sweetly relished after the wait and the struggle. i vow in all the moments of ache to recognize the miracle when it happens as the miracle it truly, truly is. i will cling to the sacredness and the wonder of the most supreme of human relationships. i will never take marriage and motherhood for granted, and no matter how hard it is (yes, i know it will be difficult in ways i can’t even imagine), i will cherish it as the greatest blessing of my existence. for so it will be.  

realizing the beauty of my gold-plated square hole has turned my grueling loneliness into productive, even beautiful aloneness. stretched further, the emptiness becomes a gift – a gift of time to feel, to prepare and to grow on my own.

a friend from high school recently shared this quote with me. it is from our beloved honors english teacher at east high:

"never mistake aloneness for loneliness.  in order to grow, you need time away, away from the noises of the world, friends, comfort, and all distractions to find what is important and fulfilling.  these alone moments build character and show the level of patience you are willing to endure to find the spirit and wrestle with thoughts that tell you you aren't worth anything or you can't do it right.

when you are lonely, you are saying, 'i don't have much meaning in my life.  someone come and make me happy.  i am unwilling to give because i am feeling sorry for myself.  you, world and all the people i know, are responsible for entertaining me and proving to me that i am worthwhile.'

change these moments of loneliness into ones of aloneness.  alone, and all by yourself, do as the savior taught you to do: serve.  this takes courage and sacrifice of your self-centeredness.  endure being alone to find that you are loved and have love to give.  that decision made in your heart will bring a glow to you that will attract others to you.  you won't be lonely because you will have yourself, those you give to, and the savior guiding you through."

yes, i feel so utterly and painfully alone at times in this era of my life. it can be suffocating and draining and gutting and heartrending. but, i’ve resolved that i will, as much as humanely possible, prohibit my aloneness from surfacing as loneliness. i want to see the blessed mortal experience for what it is as i prepare to see the miracle for what it is. this beauty is synergistic.