29 August 2013

sometimes i just want to quit at life

it has been a rough week. 

i’ve been feeling awfully sick – sinus congestion that i just can’t get to go away. it’s the first week of school so things have been wild at work. an unexpected staffing change left the after-school program short on adults, so i stepped in and have been working (with middle-schoolers, mind you) from 6am to after 6pm, blowing my nose about 100 times an hour. uncertainty about a future i’m pouring my heart into has been adding significantly to what feels like such a heavy load. and, to top it all off, my car got stolen. 

seriously. from the parking lot at school on a sunny, bright morning. completely gone, just like that. 

the stress and wearyingness of all of that piled and piled until last night i just felt like quitting at life. the kids i worked with after school were terrors, my head felt like it was going to explode mucus, i’d cried and whimpered myself to sleep the night before feeling incredibly overwhelmed, i’d been running around campus all day putting out fires here and there, and then the san jose police called and told me they found my car and if i didn’t come get it in twenty minutes, they’d have it towed and i’d have to pay to get it back (i was forty five minutes away). i had just settled into the idea of claiming insurance money and being done with that crappy car, and now i was going to have to pay to get it back, probably trashed and empty. 

i just wanted to quit at life. 

i seethed and sighed for a while, feeling like nothing in my life was working, nothing at all. i processed a lot of frustration and anxiety and sadness and exhaustion (and snot) and then did my best to let it go. the boy brought me my favorite meal for a late dinner (only after i was locked out of my house for 40 minutes, of course…) and told me repeatedly that things will get better. my battered heart didn’t want to believe it, but i came around to choose to believe it. 

and as i knelt that night by the site of my bed, i thanked god for millions and trillions of blessings and beauties in my life and decided not to quit, but to keep going. 


and things are getting better. 


18 comments :

  1. Wow I love that quote! Hope you have a better day tomorrow. Thanks for your great writing - I sure enjoy it!

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  2. I know I don't know you in real life (though I wish I did!) I wish I could just give you a huge hug! I got choked up towards the end of your post because I understand that feeling of wanting to just check out of life (not literally), but to just take a big break from it!
    I hope your week gets better....with an even better 3 day weekend!

    P.S. I get sinus problems also and found the best relief in the form of nasal decongestant from WalMart. It's their generic pill (red ones), but it's been a life saver!

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  3. Thank you for sharing your heart on here. I have been feeling the same way-- lost and sick and frustrated and over worked and overwhelmed. I pray for you that you can get some rest this weekend and start feeling better. Once you are feeling better, your life will automatically seem more manageable.
    Hang on girl. You'll get there!
    PS
    I love the quote you put at the end.

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  4. What a crappy day. I'm sorry. I know it will get better and I'm glad you are starting to feel that, too.

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  5. It will get better babe

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  6. A very rough and challenging day, indeed. You are awesome, and those kids are lucky to have you in their corner. Hang in there.....

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  7. Loads of well wishes from Brussels!!!! :-)
    “Hang in there. It is astonishing how short a time it can take for very wonderful things to happen.”
    ― Frances Hodgson Burnett

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  8. Well you have definitely had a horrendous week, no wonder you were down. Anyone would be. You are a strong one though. I know you have an amazing family that you can turn to for support (I think that's why I read all of your blogs)--you were raised to be strong, and your boyfriend looks like he might be made of the same stuff.
    Now that you got your bad week out of the way, let the fun begin.

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  9. Been there.... you just want to run away for awhile. But, there's too much to get done, so you can't. Like everyone else has said, things will get better (especially once you get feeling better physically). Friday is just around the corner - I hope you have a fabulous and restful weekend!

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  10. What a drag of a day! I'm sorry you felt like giving up. I know that you know this, but Heavenly Father is always looking out for you and doesn't allow anything to happen to you that you can't handle.

    You're amazing! Keep trucking along!

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  11. The past couple of days have been sooo hard for me too (with various challenges) that I forgot that millions of others were probably having a bad couple of days just like me. :) It's so comforting to know that we are all in this together and that we do indeed have sooo many blessings. When I'm in the heart of some trials I like to tell myself that there is no way that this trial is going to make me a better person. Then lo and behold when it's passed, I feel like I've grown sooo much. I'm always so thankful for when others have the courage to share their struggles with the world, it helps me know that I'm not alone! Thank you!

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  12. Sending positive thoughts your way. When times are rough I always tell myself "this too shall pass" and it always does. I know it will for you also so hang in there...

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  13. Charity-
    I wish I knew you in person to tell you how much reading your positive thoughts and outlook in life helped and encouraged me during my first year of teaching in a rough, title-one high school. I had so many days where I felt just like you (although I've never had my car stolen- yikes!). Your posts always seemed to put things back into perspective. Trust that God has you right where you need to be. I have no doubt that your students will be just as inspired by your wonderful spirit as I was :)

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  14. You inspire me.
    I really love reading your posts.
    So sorry about the difficult day.
    I really can't believe someone stole your car from the school parking lot! And the police expected you to come and pick it up within 20 min. once they found it? Did they forget you didn't have a car? Sheeesh!
    You are making such a positive difference in the lives of those you serve.
    I find music is always a great source of strength and encouragement during hard days. Especially the right songs that validate.
    Here's to better days ahead!!!
    Hope you feel better soon.

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  15. I'm SO sorry about this horrendous week! Glad that's over! Somehow it seems that when the ball starts rolling on disaster, it just doesn't stop! Glad you have a strong soul and was able to survive. That's a pretty heavy load to carry!

    Glad that things improved a bit! Prayers coming in droves from here!

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  16. love this post char. love you. you are an inspiration, a treasure.

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  17. What a day! Bless your heart.

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