21 October 2013

heartbreak and heartache

disclaimer: i’ve hesitated to write this post. but i have felt that i need to in order to represent reality on this blog, which is a record of my life. amidst all, all, all the happy and lovely in my life, there is true sorrow that is a very important and somehow scathingly beautiful part of my mortality. in addition to providing an accurate picture of my current humanity, i also hope that this post, and some that will follow, can be a bit of healing for me, and perhaps in some way for another. may it be known that i am very aware of many blessings and beauties around me as well as the intense hardship of others, and i am neither attempting to complain or pity myself. i am just attempting to really really live, to be dripping with passion.

bettermartha

lately, i’ve spent some nights sobbing in the shower. not crying but sobbing – weeping, blubbering, heaving while standing with buckling knees under the most scalding water my skin can bear.

a couple of days ago, i went straight to an ice cream shop after work and ate a scoop by myself in my car, feeling numb from head to toe. when i finished, i wanted more and was too embarrassed to go back into the same place, so i drove to another ice cream shop and ate another two scoops by myself in my car, staring out the windshield with tingling fingertips and throbbing veins.

most mornings over the past six weeks i’ve woken up with a heavy harrowing ache in the center of my chest – a weight that takes blistering effort to carry out of bed. a few of my recent days at school, i haven’t been able to breathe steadily and i have to work hard to mask my whimpers.

there have been several occasions recently when i truly, truly felt i could not stand up because my physical frame could not sustain such crushing, crippling emotional hurt.

i’ve been oscillating between feeling frozen, barren, dead and feeling so fiercely, searingly, excruciatingly alive.

my heart is broken – its fleshy tablets ripped and marred and raw. this harsh and stinging exposure of the most tender part of my soul has been an incredible experience. i have felt deep and bleeding like never before. i have been humbled to dust. i have experienced a dizzying array of emotional and spiritual sensations (manifested physically as noted above), from intense remorse and grief to intense hope and glory. i’ve wrenchingly but magnificently learned and realized. i’ve collapsed into redemptive reliance on heaven and angels and miracles.

i believe, through each bit of my battered scarlet heart, that this break and ache, though intense beyond what i could ever imagine, is not final. further, i believe deeply that i can find spectacular beauty in this immense pain and that i will one day feel incredible paradoxical gratitude for this racking anguish. i have faith that i will, like job of old, “come forth as gold,” that there will be for me tremendous beauty for ashes.

but, i am enormously sad. spindling through my true conviction and hope for redemption is a crystal clear wintry river of grief. i will let that cold cold water flow in as much as it pricks me with lessons and depth of spirit and the instinct to fight for sanguine perspective, knowing that one day it won’t rush so cuttingly.

i am mortal and ripped open. and so it should be.

yes, dear readers, the boy is just a boy now. a good good good one who is not mine.
soon i will share more about the things i am learning.

74 comments :

  1. I am so very sorry to hear of your heartache. I have been following you for some time now and wondered why "the boy" wasn't in recent postings of yours. I truly believe that God will bless you with your soulmate when the time is right for the both of you. Keep the faith!!!

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  2. I am so very sorry Charity. Heartache truly is physical pain, I just went through a divorce of my 3 year marriage (you and I are the same age) and I never knew my heart and body could physically hurt from such intense emotional pain. Be kind to yourself, let yourself feel it. Let it out (the shower is my place to sob too)and have hope that it will get better. It's been 9 months for me and I no longer hurt physically, the emotional wounds are still raw.

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  3. I am so sorry to read here that you are hurting. But it will get better in time and you will find someone special someday. I don't know your (mormon)culture but as I see the emphasis that is put on a life with family can bring a lot of pressure to people. Please, don't but too much pressure on you! Things will most likely happen when you least expect them and until then, you are doing an amazing job just living your life!

    -Jasmin

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  4. I am sorry as well. You never know why something happens and what good will come out of it! I wish you all the best and a fast healing!

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  5. I have been reading your blog for the last year or so and have always been amazed by your enthusiasm, positive outlook, dignity and faith. it takes a lot to end a relationship and it shows your are a strong lady who deserves the best. You will find someone who make your heart sing and as miserable as you feel now it will get better. Thank you for sharing, even in your hurt. Keep up your writing you are an inspiration!

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  6. Charity-

    I can appreciate how you feel about being unsure to post such a heart-wrenching post to your blog...but I need to thank you for doing so!

    I have been reading yours and 1 of your sister's blog for the last couple of months and have relished having a glimpse into your life. Thank you for sharing your zest for life as well as your heartache.

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  7. Take care, sweet Charity. I'm so sorry you are hurting.

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  8. So sorry for your loss Charity. But this: i will one day feel incredible paradoxical gratitude for this racking anguish.

    Yes...you will! Keep your chin up & be kind to yourself. And know that one day it will all make sense.

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  9. Charity,

    Heartbreak is so hard. And you will have so many moments/days/weeks where you just aren't sure that you can go on, and you just have to drag yourself through your day(s).
    Use this time to really focus on yourself, and do you! All wounds will heal with time.
    Sending thoughts and prayers your way during this trying time!

    -MK

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  10. this made my heart ache for you. I've had my heart broken and it is the most tangible, physical pain that i've experienced. I have since been able to experience that paradoxical gratitude you mentioned and i hope with all my heart that you won't have to wait too long to feel that too. I'm so sorry.

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  11. May extra angels be round about you to bear you up. I'm sorry you hurt. And really , nothing I say will make it better. But you are beautiful of soul and wise beyond your years, and I want you to know prayers are being sent your way.

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  12. This post is so beautifully written. I'm so impressed at your ability to describe you heartache so eloquently in words.

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  13. (i could not help but comment ...) oh, dear charity, you are such a beautiful, beautiful human being. i have such love in my soul for you right now - just imagine how much greater god's love for you must be. trying to find beauty in ashes is a noble thing to do, but you know what? i hope you too give yourself permission to be miserable, to be devastatingly sad without pressure to feel grateful for this experience. i would like to share a quote by john green with you: "we all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. but i believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad." may god bless you, charity!

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  14. Oh my gosh, Charity. Now I'm crying. I've read your blog on occasion for the past 2 years and have never commented before. I've been there. It was the worst time of my life. I understand the physical and emotional pain. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm sending you love, hugs and prayers for peace in your heart.

    Love,

    Susan

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  15. dearest, loveliest charity. may your family, friends, and heaven's help "assuage the anguish of your bereavement." you are such a gem and I love reading your posts. if every person were like charity eyre the world would be heaven indeed! love, nancy in montana

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  16. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. I'd been curious about why you hadn't mentioned "the boy" but I didn't like to ask.

    May Heavenly Father watch over you at this time & you will be comforted by the Holy Ghost.

    Take care.X

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  17. I'm sorry my dear. It's a bit strange to feel so sad for someone I've never met! Heartbreak really is so so hard. Ugh. Kudos to you for keep keeping on. I've been there and you described it so perfectly! I'm a bit dramatic and felt like I would NEVER find someone as "perfect" for me as "he" was. I truly believed that for a long time. Take time to heal and find the stronger you. It will come again my dear. Hugs.

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  18. I hope you know that the number of comments here are only a small percentage of the people who have read this, been touched by it, and who are sorrowing with you at this time.
    This is a beautiful post, especially this part
    "i believe, through each bit of my battered scarlet heart, that this break and ache, though intense beyond what i could ever imagine, is not final. further, i believe deeply that i can find spectacular beauty in this immense pain and that i will one day feel incredible paradoxical gratitude for this racking anguish. i have faith that i will, like job of old, “come forth as gold,” that there will be for me tremendous beauty for ashes."
    Keep believing, keep breathing, keep hoping, because I believe that you are right. There is a incomprehensible joy that will follow this current sorrow.
    Thank you so much for sharing this deeply personal post.

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  19. I've always loved your blog and was so happy for you and your boy because I just think you are just amazing. You were giving me hope that other amazing people out there actually find other amazing people to be with. I was also enjoying my own boy--so blissfully happy and in love, and I am very much in your exact situation right now. Just know that you are not alone! And I'm glad to know that I'm not either. Thanks for being so honest about your emotion... I am feeling every painful moment.

    All I know is that healing comes through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Hang in there, and I'll try to do the same!

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  20. If you can find a copy of guided imagery CD from Health Journeys called "Healing Trauma" by Belleruth Naparstek I know it will heal your heart beyond measure.
    It helped me more than anything (next to prayer and my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior) during the most painful heartbreak of my life. It is truly inspired work and it blessed my life tremendously. I have a degree in psychology and this guided imagery is intended for PTSD, but it is the BEST work Belleruth has done and it helped to heal my heart and my hope more than anything else. It focuses on your shattered dreams and broken heart and it really helps the healing process. I honestly do not know how I would have gotten through my pain and sorrow without it.
    I do not gain from sharing this information- I just know how much it blessed my life and thought maybe it could bless yours too.

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  21. Charity, I'm also just an internet stranger, but I'm so sorry for your heartache. You write so beautifully about it, though. It's very much exactly how I've felt when past relationships have soured. And I'm here to tell you that something better will come along soon. Maybe not a new boyfriend at first - maybe it will be a new project, or friend, or religious calling, etc. But it will be something to give your life some sunshine, something to look forward to. Hang in there - the only way around trouble is to go through it - and at least you're going through it with passion!

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  22. I'm so sorry. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us have felt. You are brave and strong. Sending you strength.

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  23. Charity, each of your blog posts is like a 'balm to my soul.' We are going through similar hills and valleys and I can relate to your thoughts.

    Thank you for being so brave and putting yourself out there with your writing and your choices. You have a joyful enthusiasm and zest for life that inspires me and gives me hope. I feel grateful for your words and am richer for them.

    Please know I am praying that Heavenly Father wraps his arms around you as you heal. I hope it is a small comfort that so many 'internet friends' are praying for you and count you as a blessing.

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  24. i have never met you, but i am praying for you! i'm so sad that you are heartbroken! thanks for being so "real" and for all of the beautiful things that you have shared on your blog.

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  25. Charity, I have not posted to your blog; this is my first time. However, I read it daily, or as often as you post. This is a raw, incredible and beautiful post. My heart aches for you. I remember, from your words, my boy and the moment he chose a life separate from mine. And despite the fact that almost five years later, I am married with two GORGEOUS, PERFECT baby girls, I can still feel an inkling of this pain, and it is almost too much to bear. And so, I thank you for your beautiful gift of the written word and send a prayer straight to Heaven for your broken heart. You are a gift to so many you will never know.

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  27. Charity,

    I have been checking in on your blog for the past few months after stumbling upon it one day. You never cease to find the most beautiful ways to communicate your feelings and experiences via writing, and this post was no exception. I, too, have been in this situation before, and while I'm not entirely certain of the circumstances of your departure from one another, you are entirely correct that you will come forth as gold and there will be beauty for ashes.

    In times like these, I always find solace in reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. I so strongly believe that every interaction that occurs in our lives helps to shape us and build us into greater individuals, and that the pain ultimately leads us towards the greatest pleasures in life that have yet to unfold. One day, when you're finally cradling that first born in your arms, you will be so so happy that this boy walked out of your life, paving the way for the new one to walk in.

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  28. Sometimes the Lord has to bring us low before he can raise us up. I know that he will raise you up and that everything will work together in His timing.

    Sending love and prayers your way!

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  29. Man, that just bites. My heart hurts for you. I had an ol' mission companion (she really was old, she was a 75 y/o widow, full of wisdom) who told me that a hot shower is the best place to cry it out. You could always blame the steam for the puffy eyes. If we were friends in real life, I would go back in the ice cream shop for you, as many times as needed! I hope the days ahead get a lil brighter. Heaven knows how many are cheering you on and love you so, so, SO much!

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  30. If you are feeling physical pain from a loss for this long you really should, if you haven't already, speak to someone.

    Are you grieving him or hurting because the next stage of life hasn't begun yet? I was like this 15 years ago. Where is he? Is he married? Is he still in college? Is he an alcoholic right now and you are preparing us to meet when he is sober? Then the baby wait took years. Delayed gratification. It is not just about material things. You think you are patient. You think you are making decisions doing the rights things at the right time in the right order. Life teaches we aren't good at the things we think we are. Life does not always go according to our plan.

    You are in a very odd environment. Every moment of life need not be a challenge. Doing hard things is fine, but you need not decide to do so every day. I think we we put ourselves through extra stuff. Life will throw enough things at you. It is not a contest who does the most remarkable thing. Finish your job and then go home. Statistically increase your odds of finding a partner.

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  31. This always helps me...

    “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”


    ― Rainer Maria Rilke

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  32. Charity: I have been reading your blog for the last year and have not commented. You are inspiring in your zest for life, enthusiasm, and spirit. The experiences you relate make me remniscent of my life in my 20's. Unfortunately, also, during this time I experienced severe heartache/break as well. I shudder to remember the ache, the incredible physical pain. But you are a resilient, strong person that draws support from your faith, your family, your friends. Lean on them. Let them be the support to lift you up and let you fly again. Such a cliche, but time is a great healer. You will look back, in time, and will have learned from the experience. Trust that a job, a challenge, an activity...will provide solace, validation, and growth. Love is around you now and more people will come into your life and provide more. You will have relationships. You do not need them to define the beauty and strength in you. Take hope, trust in the universe. You are that child of the universe, full of wonder and grace. You are in my thoughts.

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  33. Oh Charity, I am so sorry. I pray your heart 'ache and break' will heal and you come out of this experience better and brighter.

    I, along with many of the above, have never posted before but I am a regular reader. Your blog is an endless source of inspiration to me and so many others! You have such a big heart, so very full of love. Your constant and consistent passion and enthusiasm for life is infectious.

    I'm so grateful to have found your blog and I have been astounded to see the ways in which our lives are similar. I grew up in a faith extremely similar to the Mormon faith, we're the same age, same star sign (Gemini!) and both, it seems, have a thing for Leo's (I renamed them lethal Leo's!). Whilst I am on a different spiritual path to yours and live on the opposite side of the world to you (London), your blog has been such a gift to me. Please know that. Your positivity and joy reminds be to be grateful and enjoy life and to truly live it with passion!!

    Please keep writing, keep sharing your gift and one day when you become a famous author you can publish in the knowledge that you will have at least 33 readers!

    Keep going, keep living and loving and enjoying your life, drip with passion all you can - as you say - the best is yet to come!

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  34. Charity,

    I know what you are going through. I have felt like pieces of me have died after such heart break. So many times has my heart been broken and at times I thought there was no way I could move on. Every morning I sobbed in the shower and I allowed myself 30 minutes of mourning the loss of that relationship. The miracle is that the heart does heal and in time you will be able be happy. You will find yourself in months or whatever time you need smiling and laughing again. Surround yourself with those that build you up right now while you are fragile and do things that bring you joy - photography, writing, service, cooking, exercising, spending time with family and friends.. etc. You are a strong women and you will get through this and Heavenly Father will help you endure.

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  36. Oh dear Charity! I've been a lurking reader for the past year. Though my life couldn't be any more different from yours--as a pessimistic atheist from New York City, ha! ;))--I'm addicted to reading your frenetically positive take on things.

    Heartbreak is so wrenching, and seems so endless, when you're in it. But having gone through it myself, looking back it really *was* one of the best things I went through in my twenties, and I really *am* grateful for it. It seems unfathomable, but it's true. It's made me into a much better partner in every subsequent relationship I've had. Chin up! Ice cream is important! Write everything down! Talk about it endlessly with patient friends (then buy them some ice cream too)! It is a crucible that will forge you into something stronger.

    As a complete stranger from a totally different walk of life who knows nothing about you other than what you share on this blog, I nonetheless say with firm conviction: I think you're a total catch, and that you will fall head over heels in love with someone amazing who will support you in all of your technicolor dreams, and it will feel crazier than you ever imagined. I know, because it happened to me. And I know it never would have felt like this without the heartbreak that came before.

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  37. I'd figured something was wrong, since you hadn't written about him for a while.

    I'm so, so, so sorry to hear that you're hurt.

    I've been following your blog for a while, and have repeatedly thought 'She's too pure and innocent- how can someone like her survive in this cold, practical world?' (I'm not saying your boyfriend was cold or practical- just an observation in general.)

    I've learnt to suppress emotions myself, and be unreactive to most things, but something about this post (and maybe b/c of the fact that I know how insanely sweet you are) almost brought tears to my eyes. There's something very special about you- you have the ability to make someone sitting on the other side of the world- the UAE, would you believe it- misty eyed at seven in the morning.

    You have to grieve and heal in your own time and way, but I just though I'd share this line from Gregory D. Roberts' Shantaram-
    'And some things are just so sad that only your soul can do the crying for you.'

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  38. Oh Char. I love you soooooooo much!!

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  39. Sorry to hear about you heartache. I read this some time ago and wow oh wow did she just describe exactly how I've felt after going through heartbreak.

    Here it is:

    http://www.megfee.com/2013/02/12/on-heartache/#.UmdmRSgxp8s

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  40. Beautiful girl chin up. The angels surrounding you will support you. Get back to the ice cream parlour. Indulge and look after yourself.. Look orward and embrace this moment. You are loved.

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  41. I love your blog but I have never commented before, but have to now..

    It will get better, I promise. And after it you will have amazing things happening to you!

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  42. Just thought I'd share a few things that are sustaining me right now:

    1) President Uchtdorf's "The Infinite Power of Hope": "No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations."

    2) President Monson's "We Never Walk Alone": "We are not placed on this earth to walk alone. What an amazing source of power, of strength, and of comfort is available to each of us. He who knows us better than we know ourselves, He who sees the larger picture and who knows the end from the beginning, has assured us that He will be there for us to provide help if we but ask."

    3) Elder Maxwell's "Plow in Hope": "Those who 'plow in hope' not only understand the law of the harvest but they also understand what growing seasons are all about. True, those with genuine hope may see their proximate circumstances shaken like a kaleidoscope at times, yet with the 'eye of faith' they still see divine design."

    4) Katy Perry's "By the Grace of God"... just listen to it!

    Hope your heart is healing!

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  43. So sorry for your heartache, Charity. The feeling of loss after a break-up is the absolute worst. You get sick of hearing "time heals all wounds" when the hours in a day seem endless. In my similar experience, I would go to bed feeling like I had made peace and progress throughout the day only to wake up the next morning feeling like I was back at square one. Things I normally anticipated with excitement such as long weekends and pretty fall-weather days became a sense of dread and anxiety because I couldn't imagine spending them without the other person. But the cliché idea of not being able to appreciate true joy without the experience of pain holds true. Healing WILL happen for you, and those happy moments will soon start to outnumber the sad ones, and you will feel more grateful than ever when that feeling of "normal" returns. Hold tight to your friends, family and faith and you'll be back to your old self in no time!

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  44. I have been wondering about that. Thank you for sharing and being so open. I have been there and it physically hurt my heart. It is so hard! Hang in there. You are amazing.
    -Shauna

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  45. I just came from your sister's post at 71. This is the first post I've read and I am in awe and the clarity you were able to put to the kind of anguish you are experiencing. I love your disclaimer at the bottom. I've never had a break up. I've never been there. But I have let go of foster children, twice now, most recently two weeks ago. I get the anguish. It rips you open. You see so many of your weaknesses and while that can make you stronger in time it HURTS. My prayers are with you.

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  46. Charity, you don't know me, but I have followed your joy periodly throughout the years as you have gone on this journey of life. I can not tell you how sad and heart broken I feel for you. I remember feeling this way many many years ago myself when Heavenly Father closed a door I thought was to be my future/my eternity. I don't want to lessen your grief, but I do know that Heavenly Father loves you and he will open the door to your future/your eternity if you will only trust in him and boy will you be so amazed that Heavenly Father has a plan for you much better than you ever dreamed of! Hugs and Love from Atlanta, Georgia.

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  47. I too am going through a break up and you have no idea how on the dot you described the amount of pain one feels at a time like this. I have tried my best to not discuss it with anyone because I understand that there are other things in life that deserve more of my time and attention but reality is this needs my attention as well and I need to accept the pain that comes with it and not just simply overlook it by saying that "this too shall pass" I have been shaken to my very core and have been numb for the past few days. But I have learned from this and I know with time I will be okay. Thank you for this honest post and I will include you in my prayers that Father may heal your heart as well.

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  48. You will be in my prayers.. prayers that you will find peace and healing.

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  49. I don't know what happened to my comment but I love the wonderful support expressed by so many of whom only know you through your writing and your photography!

    i adore you and ache with you. But what a catharsis it is to have written this magnificent essay on your deepest feelings. Your abilitiy to express your emotions is simply incredible. LOVE YOU!

    Love that we've spent so much time together since this crash! Let's figure out how to do it more!

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  50. Charity,
    Let me know when you need some new scenery...you know I've got ice cream!! :) sending love xoxo

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  51. I, too, have experienced the deep sobbing in the shower of heartbreak. I have felt the fragility of walking through life after a breakup and that strong pull to marinate in the sadness. I just wanted to be in that pain. Slowly it went away. That made me sad because the more I could hold on to the pain I could hold onto the relationship. When the pain tarted to slip away so did the memory of what it was like to be a couple.

    At 31 I got married. I have two kids with a great guy. I never had the cultural and religious pull to marry young and have lots of babies. But during those anguished cries in the shower I felt so alone. Now, looking back, I am thrilled I was 31 when I got married. Why? Mostly because I had the ups and downs of my twenties. I wouldn't give up those years of fun and frivolity mixed with hard work of figuring out what I love and don't like so much in a mate.

    One way that helped me get through the work day was to force myself not to think about it at all during the day and give myself an hour at night to journal and cry. Then as a week passed I would reduce the time I would let myself cry and feel sorrow. Then I was able to move through the pain and get to the other side while still being productive. Take good care! You will find the right guy one day. Take heart. He is out there right now .. Living his life .. Searching for you, too.

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  52. I, too, have experienced the deep sobbing in the shower of heartbreak. I have felt the fragility of walking through life after a breakup and that strong pull to marinate in the sadness. I just wanted to be in that pain. Slowly it went away. That made me sad because the more I could hold on to the pain I could hold onto the relationship. When the pain tarted to slip away so did the memory of what it was like to be a couple.

    At 31 I got married. I have two kids with a great guy. I never had the cultural and religious pull to marry young and have lots of babies. But during those anguished cries in the shower I felt so alone. Now, looking back, I am thrilled I was 31 when I got married. Why? Mostly because I had the ups and downs of my twenties. I wouldn't give up those years of fun and frivolity mixed with hard work of figuring out what I love and don't like so much in a mate.

    One way that helped me get through the work day was to force myself not to think about it at all during the day and give myself an hour at night to journal and cry. Then as a week passed I would reduce the time I would let myself cry and feel sorrow. Then I was able to move through the pain and get to the other side while still being productive. Take good care! You will find the right guy one day. Take heart. He is out there right now .. Living his life .. Searching for you, too.

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  53. So sorry that the boy is just a boy. There is something more and better and truer for you. You shine like a light and you will find your match soon!

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  54. You are a graceful, beautiful gardener Charity! And a beautiful decorator of your soul... another wind has rooted more firmly your character... Your tree is strong and will only sweeten and multiply your fruit!...

    Comes the Dawn
    Veronica A. Shoffstall

    After a while you learn the subtle difference
    
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul

    And you learn that love doesn’t mean security,

    And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

    And presents aren’t promises.

    And you begin to accept your defeats

    With your head up and your eyes open,

    With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
    
And you learn to build all your roads on today,

    Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain.

    And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

    After a while you learn that even sunshine

    Burns if you get too much.
    
So you plant your own garden and decorate

    Your own soul, instead of waiting

    For someone to bring you flowers

    And you learn that you really can endure.
    That you really are strong,

    And you really do have worth

    And you learn and learn and learn.

    With every goodbye you learn.

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  55. Dear Charity, Count me among the legions of women who follow your blog but dont know you personally. As an outside looking in, I have to comment that one of the things that so impressed me as a reader as you were falling in love with "the boy" was how loyal and true you remained to your girlfriends - devoting lots of time to continuing to nourish those deep friendships despite what I'm sure was an incredibly strong pull to spend every waking hour with the boy. Now that you and he have parted ways, I am sure you are surrounded by lots of loving support from those dear girlfriends. I know the days ahead will be brighter for you - someone with your spirit deserves nothing less! For now, hoping you can retreat into the warm embrace and tender ear of all of those special girlfriends.
    -Sarah

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  56. Charity-
    I agree with ALL of the ABOVE comments. Such sweet words of concern and love for you- I too am a reader of yours...and look forward to your posts everyday. Thank you for sharing your deepest emotions and thoughts- your highs and lows...you are real and I love it. There is nothing like heart break. It just hurts. But I read through your comments and agreed with what someone wrote about there being another guy living his life right now, looking for you too. I can't believe that more. You are golden. GOLDEN. I wish I knew you in real life- and not just on this blog- BUT I just want you to know I think you are so full of life and love and I have no doubt that there is a man our there who is in search of you too and he too will be GOLDEN. I know it. You will get through this. So many are around you buoying you up:) Lots of love,
    Julianna

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  57. "A heart that breaks can never close, it's forever open." My brother told me that once when I was struggling through a bad break-up. It gave me hope that now that my heart had known love and heartbreak, it would continue to seek more and better love in the future. Your heart won't let you down!

    Sarah (a quiet reader of your blog) :)

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  58. Thank you for sharing this. Most people don't share such real things. It helps to know that other people feel the same way I do when I have a break up. I am glad you don't paint your life to be perfect. We all have hurts. I know you'll find the one. I am looking forward to hearing the lessons you are learning from this. Perhaps it will teach us something too? You're so courageous and strong for being so honest and open and real!

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  59. "And it came to pass..." this is just a part of the story of your eternal life. And a part of your mortal exam, which you will ace through faith and hope and endurance, mercy and grace and then move on to the next challenge and ace it, too.

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    Replies
    1. I, too, have felt the paralyzing loss of a devastating break up and all the expectations, hopes and dreams that have to be broken up with, too. But surely you know that this just means there is someone even BETTER for YOU. So don't lose heart! The Lord knows us better than we ourselves do. Trust Him. He's got this!

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  60. I have gone through this with one guy and I have gone through near break-up of my marriage. For the first part, it wasn't my decision at all. For the 2nd part, I decided to endure until my husband took off, but for me and "my" house, we would serve the Lord. I endured to the point of returning to a happily married state. Always choose the Lord all others could let you down in some way.

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  61. That sucks, especially this time of year as the holidays are coming up and it just feels like you've been put in one big "eternal time out" for no reason other than the fact you failed to keep a man. Don't do that to yourself. I just turned 39 and attended my 20 year high school reunion as the only single, never married there. It is the last hard thing I will ever do in my life.
    Since you live in the Bay area, I hope he didn't leave you for another man.
    You are so lucky to have such a strong, supportive family and large network of friends. Nice to see your parents are "off probation" and writing again for our local Utah newspaper.
    Keep writing and have a great day! Maybe we can start a large online club to help single women deal with the worldly pressures of either cohabitation or a life of lonely celibacy.

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  62. So sorry to hear this. Hang in there Charity!

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  63. Your eyes my dears are like two stars
    Your cheeks are like a rose
    The sunlight dancing in your hair
    could melt a thousand snows!!

    xoxoxo.

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  64. BE CAREFULL about love spell comments here my name is Fiona McMenamin and i base in perth WA I got scammed by three of them,I lost over $1570 until a friend direct me to Baba Agba who help me get back the father of my two kids after he left me for over 2 years.and now my ex is fully back and he love me and my kids like never before.if you need help with love spell then Baba Agba is the solution to your problem he can be reach at babaagbasolutiontemple@gmail.com or Contact him on his Mobile No:+2347064348663

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  65. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  66. Marvelous and genuine Testimony

    I visited a forum here on the internet on the 15TH OF MAY 2015, And i saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called Dr Save on the forum..I never believed it, because i never heard nor learnt anything about spells before.. Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not until Dr Save did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me and brought my wife back to me in just 17hours just as i read on the internet..i was truly astonished and shocked when my wife knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept her back.. I am really short of expressions, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you Dr Save you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. And now i am a joyful man once again.. here is his Email: adesolutiontemple@gmail.com you can also OR CALL +2347064348663....Tommy Liverpool(UK)....

    ReplyDelete
  67. HOW TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
    THANKS TO GREAT DR GOODLUCK FOR SOLVING MY PROBLEMS my name is Mandy Divanna from uK, i was married to my husband for 5 years we were living happily together for this years and not until he traveled to Italy for a business trip where he met this girl and since then he hate me and the kids and love her only. so when my husband came back from the trip he said he does not want to see me and my kids again so he drove us out of the house and he was now going to Italy to see that other woman. so i and my kids were now so frustrated and i was just staying with my mum and i was not be treating good because my mother got married to another man after my father death so the man she got married to was not treating her well, i and my kids where so confuse and i was searching for a way to get my husband back home because i love and cherish him so much so one day as i was browsing on my computer i saw a testimony about this spell caster DR GOODLUCK testimonies shared on the internet by a lady and it impress me so much i also think of give it a try. At first i was scared but when i think of what me and my kids are passing through so i contact him and he told me to stay calm for just 24 hours that my husband shall come back to me and to my best surprise i received a call from my husband on the second day asking after the kids and i called Dr GOODLUCK and he said your problems are solved my child. so this was how i get my family back after a long stress of brake up by an evil lady so with all this help from DR GOODLUK, i want you all on this forum to join me to say a huge thanks to DR GOODLUCK and i will also advice for any one in such or similar problems or any kind of problems should also contact him his email is goodluck05spellcaster@gmail.com he is the solution to all your problems and predicaments in life. once again his email address is goodluck05spellcaster@gmail.com

    howtogetyourexbackdrgoodluck.wordpress.com

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  68. I was searching for help on the internet to get my ex lover whom will got divorced back, i came across this wonderful man called DR.AGBAZARA of AGBAZARA TEMPLE who did a nice job by helping me to get my divorced husband back within 48hours.. I never believe that such things like this can be possible but now i am a living testimony to it because AGBAZARA TEMPLE actually brought my lover back, If you are having any relationship problems why not contact DR.AGBAZARA TEMPLE via email on: ( agbazara@gmail.com ) OR ( agbazaratemple@yahoo.com ), Then i promise you that after 48hours you will have reasons to celebrate like me.

    from USA

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  69. !!! How (Dr.Goodluck) Help Me Save My Marriage & Avoid Divorce !!!

    What a wonderful and a straight forward spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life i was devastated when my husband left me for someone else i was hurting REAL bad and i needing him back coz he was my joy 2years later when going trough the internet i saw a post on how he helped a lady called Mandy Divanna from UK restore her relationship, i decided to contact him for help when i told this God sent man Dr. Goodluck on how my lover left me for 2 years without calling nor texting me,When i shared this my sad experience with Dr Goodluck he said everything would be okay within 17hours i was like am i sure what this man is saying is real,So i decided to give a try and what even surprised me the most at first i was also thinking he was a scam i taught he was like other spell caster who come online to add pain to peoples pain not knowing there feelings but to make money,But this great man Dr Goodluck is never like that his own is for good and make people to be happy with the one they love,Am just so happy,Even before the 17hours i just got a call from a man who has left me for 2years saying he his sorry and that he wants me back to his life i was so happy,He invited me for a dinner which i meant him there and we bought talked and he said he wants to prove that he would never leave me for any other lady he engaged me and also make me had access to all his account am so happy all thanks goes to this great man Dr Goodluck a man who has brought back joy to my life,Please friends that needs help i would advice that Dr Goodluck is the right man and not those fake ones who are online to make money and not to help here is Dr Goodluck private mail goodluck05spellcaster@gmail.com you can also whatapp him or call with his mobile +2349059610309 or also his website. http://goodluck05spellcaster.yolasite.com

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  70. What a wonderful and a straight forward spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life!!! Am giving this testimony
    because am so happy, I want to thank Dr.owolabi for the great thing He has done in my life , He brought happiness back to my life, I
    never believed in spell casters until my life fell apart when my lover of 4 years decided to call it quit almost when we wanted to get
    married. I was so emotional breakdown to the extent i could not do anything reasonable again, after 5months in pain before an old friend
    of mine introduced me to a spell caster on line called Dr owolabi, this was after I have been scammed by various fake spell casters. I was
    introduced to Dr owolabi a true Spell Caster. In less than 40 hours i saw wonders, my lover came back to me and my life got back just like a
    completed puzzle, and after onemonth later we got married and it was just like a dream to me because i thought i had lost him forever.
    Thank you Dr. owolabi for helping me but most of all, Your Honesty and Fast Accurate Results. EMAIL HIM FOR HELP: drowolabisolutionhome@gmail.com
    ordrowolabisolutionhome@gmail.comor through his number +2348124209863. You can also read my testimony on my blogger:whatapp+16828086703or+2348124209863.

    ReplyDelete
  71. My name is Joy Lopes, I never thought I will smile again, My husband left me with two kids for one year, All effort to bring him back failed I thought I'm not going to see him again not until I met a lady called Jesse who told me about a spell caster called Dr.Miracle, She gave me his email address and mobile number and I contacted him and he assured me that within 48 hours my husband will come back to me, In less than 48 hours my husband came back started begging for forgiveness saying it is the devils work, so I'm still surprise till now about this miracle,i couldn't conceive but as soon as the spell was cast,i became pregnant and gave birth to my third child(Taylor) if you need any assistance from him you can contact him via:Email (MIRACLESPELLHOME@YAHOO.COM),, or you can also contact him through his website http://miraclespellhome.wix.com/dr-miracles,,or call him,,+2348071398555,,,,

    ReplyDelete
  72. This has really worked and I am proud to testify of it. I saw a post on how a lady got her man back by Dr. Trust who helped her to get her Ex Husband back. My relationship was crashed down for 3 good years and some months. Although I never believed in spiritual work I reluctantly tried him because I was desperate but to my greatest surprise Dr. Trust helped me to bring back my man and now my relationship is now perfect just as he promised. Getting your ex back permanently spell does not only bring back someone you love back,but it will also re-ignite your lovers feelings for you to be as happy with that person as possible. My man now treats me like a queen and always say he love me all the time. If you are passing through difficulties in your relationship Email him for urgent help.

    Ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com or Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com
    websit: http://ultimatespellcast8.wix.com/ultimatespellcast
    Call +2348156885231

    ReplyDelete

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