18 February 2014

metamorphosis, part 3

been thinking about years gone by this long weekend. pulled out old journals and felt blessed and empowered. i was able to look back a whole seven years, and reflect on how much of me is new material, which parts of me are successfully transforming into what i need to become.
{metamorphosis part 1 / metamorphosis part 2}

february 21, 2007
{i was studying abroad in jerusalem, and loving life so so much}
i am sitting in our kibbutz hotel room on the banks of the sea of galilee, and i am without words to describe my content happiness, my increased love and wisdom building within, my sense of peace and ability to express and feel. i love it here. i am smitten and electrified by this place. my head is spinning with good things and with exhaustion and with joy. two things are so intense and so beautiful here in israel on this adventure: human interactions (with my peers and natives) and divine interaction (me with god). today i have had both in generous and awesome ways.

butterfly2

february 20, 2008
{i was a new missionary falling in love with missionary work}
seriously, i am coming to realize that there really is no way to describe the exquisite feeling you experience as a missionary when someone you are teaching gets it an admits it. deben told us he knows the book of mormon is true and that he could see god helping and guiding him. it was really incredible to see his progression and realizations…i have been a missionary for over one month now. i am so grateful that the mission is right for me. it’s just so cool to be here. it’s fun to try new things and to talk and to teach. our kitchen in bright orange, we see the sunrise when we run in the mornings, we rock out to efy music, we laugh about the most random things, we get flogged [stood up] and rejected and we question and worry – and we go on…for shall we not in so great a cause?

butterfly3

february 21, 2009
{i was working with a new missionary companion in a new area}
i told him that i could promise him – without any hesitation or doubt that no matter what he is looking for or what he needs or wants, the book of mormon can give answers, peace, joy, understanding. the spirit rushed through me…she let us in and we taught her about the restoration. she is so sweet and is willing to pray and ask god about truth. we were so happy when we came out of diane’s house. we stopped and said a prayer of gratitude. i love that – on the street in the dark night pouring our hearts out to god.

butterfly4

february 16, 2010
{i was serving people from leprosy colonies in india}
there is something so incredible and empowering about seeing people who may be the very perfect picture of human suffering beaming with love for life, not only functioning but smiling and interacting and glowing. it is so amazing and uplifting and humbling. we saw dozens of people come through the clinic with all kinds of deformities. some were somber, but most were remarkably amiable, pleasant and glad. instead of being repelled i felt drawn to these adorable people and i loved giving them love that they had always been told they did not deserve. i felt of our siblinghood… i also just love driving here and there in india and seeing people's lives roll by and the colors and the stuff everywhere. i like the tickly smells and the heaviness of the air and just being here in this other world teaming with life.

butterfly6

february 18, 2011
{i was six months into a discouraging job search in san francisco}
life is such a roller-coaster. i feel like i have almost no security and almost no validation. it is hard! i like hard things. i am embracing it all best i can and trying to allow it all to make me better and increase my patience and my faith. such a crazy time of life! do i write that every time i write in my journal? probably. i keep thinking – what should i do?? but there’s always one answer – keep moving forward. the ‘everything will work out’ thing is threatening to turn into a platitude because it is stretched over such a seemingly long time. but really, isn’t it actually stretched over all of mortality? i’m trying to keep things in perspective.

butterfly1

february 10, 2012
{i was settling into a new job and new life in palo alto}
time keeps moving. it always does. and so many things go up and down and somehow amidst it all i grow and learn and keep striving and keep pressing forward. i’m making my new life work. i’m finding things to be happy about. i’m practicing self-discipline and self-motivation and self-confidence. i’m grateful for the rich mortal experience of being single. i’m looking ahead. i’m really blessed.

butterfly5

february 13, 2013
{i was returning home from a meet-the-family trip, learning about true love}
through a series of genuine miracles, i am sitting here on this airplane with a heart full of real love. i feel completely stunned and overwhelmingly grateful – optimistic though careful, giddy and thrilled even though i’m scared. i’m really not sure how it has happened, but i might have found true love, the real deal, the boy. he’s wonderful and golden, and our relationship is strong and deep and rich. i am wildly in love and totally stunned by the blessing of this boy as mine.

butterfly7

february 17, 2014
{here i am}
today was hard. i spent time alone, and had time to think. it felt like a force of loneliness was siphoning hope and optimism. i want to share my life with someone else. that sharing is who i feel like i am and need to be. i miss, miss, miss having someone to share with… i have to keep choosing hope. this whole process is extraordinary… i’ve been thinking a lot about human hardship today, and have been feeling very blessed for what i have and what i lack.

{artwork by my dear friend missy wallace – i think this butterfly series is so majestic and gorgeous! – and a perfect compliment to thoughts about metamorphosis!}

life is such a wild ride, hey?

also, i like this quote:
years

7 comments :

  1. life is most definitely a wild ride. love you so much!

    ReplyDelete
  2. charity,
    could you perhaps write a blog post about your journalling? I have always been amazed at how well you manage to write so regularly and it is something I want to do myself, however, I have never been able to stick to it for more than a week.
    How much do you write? Is journalling a routine thing?
    Thank you for your time and keep up the good work, you're doing great!
    An avid reader xox

    ReplyDelete
  3. I will say it again: I love how you live and love and struggle and think and feel. You're one of the very good ones, Charity! xo

    ReplyDelete
  4. The little airplanes of the heart
    with their brave little propellers
    What can they do
    against the winds of darkness
    even as butterflies are beaten back
    by hurricanes
    yet do not die
    They lie in wait wherever
    they can hide and hang
    their fine wings folded
    and when the killer-wind dies
    they flutter forth again
    into the new-blown light
    live as leaves
    -- Lawrence Ferlinghetti

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fabulous. Your words and that artwork, both in progression, touched me so (your entry at Galilee is too similar to one of my very own in that very kibbutz). How I love your hope and courage. xo.

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  6. Those pictures are stunning. Wish I had that kind of talent! Love your picture of the pasta evening as well - I found a machine in a charity shop for £15 recently and just love it, especially for making little stuffed pastas - so nice.

    ReplyDelete

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