new yellow flowers

this morning i was looking for something in the archives of my blog and remembered this day – and how the mustard flowers were out in full brilliant bloom at a nature preserve near my house this time last year. i decided to take my sunday walk to that exact spot to see those cheery, sunny blossoms.

as i walked, i remembered all the times i’d strolled down that same path holding hands with a boy i loved. i walked past specific places along the path that held beautiful memories of the miracle of that relationship. i ached and ached, realizing that the picture that reminded me of the march mustard flower bloom was from a devastatingly romantic twilight, when i was dizzy with affection. i tried to walk through it all, with a determination for resilience.

photo (51)but when i got to the spot where last year the yellow flowers were nearly overtaking the path, bright and hopeful and bursting, i saw only colorless tall weeds along the dusty trail. no yellow flowers this march. they’re gone. i turned around and cried on the way home.

then, i remembered the flowers i had in a vase on my nightstand/ dresser. i found those tulips on my doorstep monday after school, with an anonymous note. and i realized that there are still yellow flowers in my life – even if the illustrious, vivid ones from last year are gone.

let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of god, and for his arm to be revealed.
-d&c 123:17

{p.s. i’m pretty sure those flowers were sent by someone who reads this blog, along with a couple of other super kind acts of service. so – whoever you are, thank you.}


  1. That was so kind of someone to do that for you.

    I really like the chest of drawers/night stand. Yellow is my favourite colour & have a lot of it, as well as other bright colours, in my house.

    I hope your new job is going well & that you're not to shattered by it.

    Thank you for your brill blog, you always inspire me:)

    P.S. I'm really sorry that you are still hurting inside, it must be so hard for you. Take care.

  2. I needed this reminder today char. Sure love you.

  3. So happy to see this yellow burst of sunshine and glad you were able to see the symbolism! When one flower dies, another one appears....even better!

  4. This blog is truly "dripping with passion." It's wonderfully uplifting. Very evident that the author is searching for a husband, but has hit a pothole or two in that pursuit. Someone once told me "you only obtain something when you overcome the desire for it." Seems that's as true in romance as anywhere. Key word is "overcome." The search for romance and marriage is certainly among the loftiest of pursuits. But when it "overcomes" you, taking too much of your energies and devotions, it seems that's when it often eludes us. As strangely paradoxical as that is. At minimum, an ultra-heavy focus on romance--as opposed to patiently bulding friendships that can, over time, blossom into something more--may turn off potential suitors. So maybe instead of "devastatingly romantic", how about "gently romantic" or "soothingly romantic?" And instead of being "dizzy with affection", how about "being filled with", or "strengthened by" love. Lastly, most of the men I know your age may be a little puzzled to see a blog of a girl they're dating (or considering dating) filled with references to "the boy". I think most would prefer to be referred to by their name, or as the man/guy I'm dating. Just a thought. Just trying to help :) You're a phenomenal writer and undoubtedly a fantastic person. You'll find the right one at the right time.

  5. ^^^ Well said anon! I've read this blog for months and thought the same. "you only obtain something when you overcome the desire for it." That was perfection. I needed to hear that and I am sure many others did too. Everyone wants to be acknowledged for being who they are. If you put someone too far up on that pedestal it can REALLY be a frightening experience because you see yourself with all the flaws of being human. One has to allow their focus of love room to breathe and grow in every way. Most of all they need to be called by name. There is no sound more beautiful in the world than being called by your own name. Well said anon! We can all ponder this a spell.

  6. just a quick note to my anonymous commenters:

    rest assured that i don't have an "ultra-heavy focus on romance." a broken heart and a hope for true love in the future is a significant part of my life, yes, and that is why i blog about it! but i am finding great growth and appreciation in being alone (but not lonely!) and am not nearly as consumed by my lack of husband as you seem to be implying.

    also, i did and do not use the name of the person i was previously dating on this blog as a token of respect to his privacy.

  7. thanks for reading and your kind sentiments and concern :)

  8. What a great post! Heartbreak is so universal...I only found my love...when I truly let go of "the hunt". And not just by keeping a little distraction and keeping busy....I mean I LET IT GO COMPLETELY and just threw those thoughts out to the beautiful universe. Fast forward a few years later....who shows up? THE love of my life....hook...line...heart...and Soul. Ya know what? I'd go through all that heartache and waiting...and experience the authentic...conscious...loving partnership of today. Throw it up and out to the universe...and watch what arrives...just at the right time.

  9. Thank you, Charity, for responding to my post (author of the first anonymous post here). I hope my post didn't needlessly touch on sensitive nerves. I only posted it because I've come across many girls who ache so much for a romantic relationship (Current media doesn't really help this issue, e.g. The Bachelor). When a suitable man finally comes into their life, they're so bursting at the seams with romantic passion that it becomes too much for the guy to handle, and he eventually turns away. In scriptural speak, borrowing a line from Alma 38, they've let romantic desire become an unbridled passion, and consequently their capacity to love (and enter into loving relationships) has decreased. And then they're back to square 1. It seems like a terribly frustrating experience, and one I hope you can avoid. From your response to my post, it sounds like you're on the right track. The last thing I want to do is quash any of the sincere expressions of your heart that you so kindly share with the world. Please keep sharing them--you're a blessing to us all.

  10. You don't know me, but I stumbled across your blog from your sisters. I think it's admirable you can blog about wanting love. Marriage and family are wonderful and since you come from a wonderful family, of course you want that. I graduated from college single and went on to medical school. I was passionate about medicine and too scared to admit what I really wanted. I talked so much about a career to cover up my true desire and not appear "desperate". Then in a moment I realized that if I pursued the path I was on I was closing doors to the path I wanted to be on. How could I be a stay at home mom or even meet someone as a busy doctor with medical school loans. So I quit and I moved home and I was honest with myself and others about what I wanted. And I dated and I went through heartache and then I met my husband and we are so happy 3 kids later. Don't let people make you feel like you can't openly want marriage and kids. You want someone that wants that too so they will like that about you. My two cents...