ten thoughts from a wednesday |34|

happy thursday! i meant to publish this post yesterday and it just didn’t happen. life is wild and full right now as we anticipate baby brother arriving any day! so this post is ten thoughts from a wednesday rather than ten thoughts on a wednesday :)

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one.
waiting for a baby to be born is such a peculiar thing. we are really in any-minute-now mode, and it’s just wild! i’m so curious about how it will all start and how it will all go. not anxious, just curious. and very excited. i’ve actually been looking up ways to prevent the onset of labor - i feel like most women at 38.5 weeks are looking up ways to encourage the onset of labor! … but i just feel like i need a little bit more time! my mom actually moved her flight up and is arriving tomorrow morning. we also have a cleaner and handy-man coming tomorrow. there’s some last things on my list to do that will make me feel totally ready. so i think by the weekend i’ll switch over to the encouraging onset of labor stuff :)
my body is definitely preparing to give birth. braxton hicks contractions like craaaazy all day long, baby is sitting lower and lower, and i’m just feeling so much niggling that delivery is pretty close. we will see when baby boy decides to make his entrance! i feel incredibly grateful to bear and birth this baby. i am so excited to meet him.

two.
speaking of anticipating when our baby will be born … i’m hoping he will come on the same day as his cousin (my sister-in-law julie is due on sunday!) and/or the royal baby (apparently delivery is very close for will and kate’s newest arrival!) ;)

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three.
i’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of impermanence lately. i want to develop the ability to remember impermanence when i’m in the midst of pain. i actually had an extremely emotional weekend that left me feeling so very heavy and dark, and now just a few days later i feel surrounded in light. pain is temporary. and usually productive in some way or another. and really can become beautiful. i know all these things - i have deep conviction that they are true - but in the moment it is so difficult to remember. pain feels so incredibly permanent when we are in the thickest part of it. but it is impermanent. {i am especially going to be trying to remember this while in labor!}

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four.
we saw hamilton!!!! i mentioned a few wednesdays past how crazy thrilled i was to find tickets for ian and i and my brother tal who wanted to come to london from switzerland to see the show. the anticipation built over time and by last friday evening we were all buzzzzzing with excitement. it was so so fun to have talmadge in town and to have the hamilton experience all together. my expectations were pretty sky high, and i gotta say, they were blown away. from the very beginning to the very end of the show i was mesmerized, amazed, and affected. it is absolutely a work of genius! and the talent level of the performers was just so, so high. the energy in the theatre and on the stage was electric. i felt like we were transported to another world of incredible creativity, storytelling and poignant themes of humanity. i was taken back by how very moving it was - especially the second half - and right after it was over i honestly couldn’t talk and could barely breathe for a few minutes. i know that sounds super dramatic, but honestly. it was mind blowing.

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^^ that picture on the right above is to illustrate how we felt on the tube ride home from the show - totally overwhelmed and exhausted! i slept really horribly that night with the songs running through my head and just the wonder of it all in my veins. ^^
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^^ it was sooooo great to hang with tal for a few days. we always have the best conversations and i am just so lucky to related to such a cool person. we shared some really great meals and moses and i showed uncle tal around our garden. tal even helped us set up the birthing pool in our living room (just to try it out to make sure we know what we are doing when the time comes to blow and fill it up for real!) ^^

five.
at the suggestion of several of you readers, i started listening to the better than happy podcast. the other day my sister pointed me to an episode called “stay in your own business,” which was just what i needed to hear on that day. lately, i am learning a lot about letting go. sometimes it feels paradoxical or even wrong to let go, but i am realizing that i need to and should make the sacrifices necessary in order to do so. and i need to and should stay in my own business. this is particularly hard for me in marriage, because i feel so strongly that marriage is about complete partnership - even oneness. but i’m learning that the (eternal) path to perfect companionship requires letting go.

six.
my dear friend brittany decided to take a last-minute spring break trip to london, so today baby and i got to go to afternoon tea with her! brit has been to london four times since we moved here, and we’ve done afternoon tea together each time - it’s now a beloved tradition. it was so great to catch up over finger sandwiches, scones and outrageously pretty/delicious little treats - brittany is a deep soul and i always feel like i can talk to her on a deep level about most anything.

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seven.
brene brown says we should have a “hard back, soft front, wild heart.” i love that so much.
here’s some pictures from a spectacular flower shop in notting hill called “wild at heart.” isn’t that just perfect?!

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eight.
the other day i was changing moses’s diaper and we were talking about his different body parts. out of the blue he said, clear as day, “elbow,” and pointed to his elbow. i have never taught him that word (i don’t remember ever even talking about elbows!) - so i was really taken back! i just love that he whips out new words like this almost everyday. he has been saying “this” and “that” all the time lately. and he has officially hit the stage where he wants to do things on his own - he emphatically says “mo!” and on that note, he has also recently learned how to spell his name - first “emmmmm” and then “oooooo” :) this morning i was getting something out of the kitchen and then caught him dancing on his own, very enthusiastically and with the hugest grin, in the middle of our living room to “five little monkeys jumping on the bed.” seriously this kid is so much fun. he is full of dancing, giggling, exploring, talking, running, hugging. he’s our joy boy and we love him like crazy.

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^^ mo is fascinated by the baby’s bed. he decided he simply must get in the moses basket and i had to snap a picture of him and then compare it with a picture of him in the same spot at one week old! ^^
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^^ another muddy morning on the football pitch … and seeing blossoms and petal dust on the walk home! ^^
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^^ moses and i love to spy on ian via the “find friends” app on his bike ride home from work. i love that he just casually bikes past buckingham palace everyday - haha! ^^

nine.
sometimes, i subconsciously hold on to suffering as some sort of validation/vindication for my experienced hardship. i think we as humans are naturally so obsessed with justice, and it just feels so erroneous to hurt for something that someone else did or for something that seems (and/or completely is!) unfair. and then it’s difficult to lean into healing or light because we want to legitimize our pain. i’ve been thinking a lot about jesus christ, and how he suffered exclusively for what other people did and how he did not not deserve an ounce of his suffering. i’m learning more and more that we want life to be about fairness or getting what we deserve or avoiding pain that’s unjust — but it’s just not. it’s about mercy, forgiveness, humility, and letting go.

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ten,
in case you can’t tell by all the pictures in this post … blossoms and blooms around London are sure making me happy. baby boy will be born right as spring is really springing here in our pretty city. and the future is looking sunny and bright.

happy wednesday thursday! life is beautiful!

11 comments:

  1. Beautiful and powerful post, Charity. Thank you for your timely thoughts on dealing with pain. It’s been a dominant thing in my mind lately and I feel like your instruction is helping me further. I studied 1 Nephi 17 and then came across a talk by Bruce C. Hafen just yesterday (“A Willingness to Learn from Pain”) and maybe those will be meaningful to you as well. Best of luck with your new little one on the way!

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  2. Good luck with the nesting and preparing for the arrival of baby brother. You make me very clucky!

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  3. I just LOVE all your flower photos. If I lived in London, I would surely be broke buying fresh flowers!

    Regarding holding on to suffering: this is something I've been wrestling with recently. My husband was in full-time church ministry for 12 years, and we were hurt deeply by not only Christians but also by people who professed to love and care for us. Some of that we are still recovering from ten years later (financially, emotionally, etc). A wise older friend once said to me "Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." That has really been weighing on my mind lately. I am quite certain that the people who hurt us have moved on and don't think one bit about us. Why am I allowing them the brain space and energy to continue hurting me by letting them occupy my thoughts and energies? I am working hard on forgiveness--reminding myself that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting and it doesn't justify their behavior. Forgiveness is for MY benefit-not theirs! Blessings to you and your sweet family. Can't wait to hear the baby news!

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    1. I too have struggled with forgiveness. Its hard!! Two books that really really helped me put what i knew mentally into practice were The Peacegiver and Rising Strong ( the part where she talks about forgiveness as a form of grieving). Good luck!

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  4. :) rock the birth!
    in my marriage i have a hard time being patient when it comes to 'becoming one'... i want it RIGHT NOW and yet i think it takes a lifetime of experiences and challenges to really become that. i think you are definitely on the forever path with Ian, though, and you will truly continue to build a grand relationship through the eternities.
    xo

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  5. over the top loved the picture of Mo in the basket. Even though he's so big, he's still such a baby isn't he. Hoping for an amazingly wonderful and safe birth passage for he-who-not-yet-been-named. I check all the time to see if things have started :)

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  6. Number 9 is fantastic! Something I’ve been trying to work on too, but you worded it so well. I always love reading your blog. Good luck with baby boy’s arrival!

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  7. Can't believe it's almost baby time! Hooray! Sending you prayers for a healthy, redemptive, healing birth.

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  8. I would love for you to sometime to a post of all the great places to have afternoon tea. That way they are all in one post to find. Wishing you a easy brith and pray that it goes exactly how you invisioned.

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  9. After so many years of marriage and therapy I think ״oneness" in marriage is not a helpful
    Concept. Marriage is between two
    Adults who make a deep and holy commitment to each other. We share so much that is beautiful and hard with our spouses but truely we are whole on our own; not a half that makes a whole. Perhaps the LDS explanation of why men can only have priesthood and women need to connect to that through their husbands is part of your struggle here?

    My favorite line in Hamilton? "I am the one thing in life I can control! I am inimitable. I am original"

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    1. I think the concept of "oneness" in marriage is more correctly defined as "unified". I do not believe in the "two halves make a whole" concept in marriage. I believe it's 100% + 100% = 100%. There must be sacrifice on *both* parts to make a marriage work. The husband is not walking ahead of the wife or the wife walking ahead of the husband, the husband and wife walk side-by-side. When one falters in his or her walk through life, the other picks him/her up and vise-versa. 15 years of marriage and six kids have taught me that a marriage built on the half + half = whole equation isn't correct math. Marriages built on that belief almost always end in divorce. :(

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